| Why? 3 Basic "Kinds" of SAs |
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| Written by Administrator | |
| Friday, 10 November 2006 | |
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From our experience in this field, we have determined there are three basic "kinds" of sex addicts (SAs), and it is reasonably easy for the partner to identify which type the SA in their life is. This list of "kinds" is different than Dr. Patrick Carnes' designations of addictive behavior LEVELS. This list groups SAs by their actions, behaviors, and approximate chances of staying sober and is based on our experiences. Why?Ahhh. Some would say the answer is "42." (You have to be a Douglas Adams fan to get that one.) There are three "basic" groups of SAs, from least to most severe. 1) "Lost." These are the lower-level SAs who mostly haven't progressed much. Mostly porn, some masturbation and phone sex. Some may have had physical affairs. They are truly the ones with the best chance of recovery. They are "nice" guys (gals) who are truly using SA as a medication. They may have other addictions, but the sexual addiction is their core addiction and they are in pain, most likely have been in pain for years, sometimes as a result of their own sexual/mental/physical abuse in childhood. If not outright abuse, they most likely gew up in a family situation where they felt trapped and unable to express their opinion. Or they were told that expressing emotion was "wrong" and taught by example to stuff their feelings. The SA is truly a way to medicate themself, to FEEL alive. BUT as a result, they are totally trapped in a shame-based cycle. They DO have a chance to get better. This isn't to say they are guaranteed to stay in sober recovery, but of the groups who have a chance to do so, this is the demographic where you will see the most recovery occur. We see very few partners of SAs in this demographic here, at least not for long-term, because these kinds of SAs will usually seek treatment, if not willingly, at least with an admisison on their part that they know their life is out of control and they need some sort of help. Or they hit bottom the easiest, because their family/job/whatever IS more important to them than their SA disease. Therefore there is more support readily available for the partner through "conventional" means. Also, because their SA is less severe, or seems to make progress quickly, when partners of this type of SA do make it here, they frequently don't stay long because reading others' problems is often "too painful" for them, or keeps them in a "negative mindset" because their SA isn't "that bad." Nothing wrong with that, just a fact. This is also the least-common SA. If intervention doesn't happen in time, they can/will progress to the next step. 2) "The Herd." Most SAs fall into this category. Their chances of recovery depend on how long they've been an SA and whether or not there are other mental issues that will effect their outcome. SAs in this category range from "just starting" with porn/masturbation all the way up to severe sexual offenders/predators. (And just because someone's an SA doesn't make them a sex offender and vice versa.) Many of these SAs don't use SA as a self-medication, although many do. Some are modelling behavior they saw when they were growing up. Some have made SA a "lifestyle choice" (so they think) and are happy with what and who they are, regardless of the pain it brings their partners. Some admit they have a problem, some don't. Some will hit bottom, some won't. It depends on if they can find another partner/situation to catch them. Serial cheaters who are not in the third category fall into this category. It's not uncommon for SAs in this category to also have other addictions, like drugs and alcohol. These SAs might be badgered into recovery by their partner, or they might be scared into recovery by a brush with the law or the possibility of public exposure or losing their job. But the "love of a good person" usually isn't enough to get there. When they do hit bottom, they hit HARD. But sometimes they simply bounce -- either to another job, another partner, or probation (which lets them lie to themself that they really didn't do anything "wrong"). A relationship with an SA like this is truly a roller coaster ride. Because you can see the flashes of the person YOU think is inside them when the addiction isn't in control of them. They may jump on and fall off the wagon many times before either staying sober or giving up and just accepting the SA as part of their life. They may be caught in a shame-based cycle, but the longer they stay there, the more they start to think it's a "normal" way of life and the shame actually starts to dissipate, or at least be tolerable to them. Recovery chances are not hard and fast, but they're not favorable. 3) NPD, BPD, sociopaths, psychopaths, other disorders -- "Out there.": (Narcissistic/Borderline Personality Disorder) This demographic has basically NO chance of recovery. We tend to see quite a few partners here with this kind of sex addict in their life. Because the addict usually thinks there's nothing wrong with them, it's the partner's/world's fault they have problems. Not THEIR fault! Why is that? Because instead of the SA being the problem, it's only a SYMPTOM of the problem. The main problem is the underlying psychiatric disorder that allows them to use SA in their life. I can off the top of my head think of several active members at this time who have these types of SAs in their life, and even more who have left SAs of this type. Why do they have nearly no chance of recovery? Research narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, and other mental conditions. You'll see that most of those people have little chance of successful treatment. Unless their underlying mental condition can be "cured," the SA will NEVER be cured. And since most of these SAs think there is nothing wrong with them, they see no reason to get help. In other words, run. They won't hit bottom, because they can always find someone to catch them and/or will always shuffle blame off onto someone else. |
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| Last Updated ( Wednesday, 13 December 2006 ) |
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